He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
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You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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