You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
