I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
