i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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