ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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