Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
