So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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