Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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