Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I didn't notice because vodka
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
