I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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