If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
