Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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