You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
