I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Text me some of your sweat
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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