Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Send help, water and tortillas.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
