I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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