Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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