why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
