she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
