I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
