If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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