Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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