I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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