how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I smell like Dick and happiness
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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