My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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