his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
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So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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