how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
