I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
