Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
