pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
