Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
