party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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