Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
