...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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