Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
