note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just pee around me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Please don't give away my fajitas
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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