the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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