checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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