In America we eat man semen.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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