At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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