I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
