DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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