It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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