Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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