how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
