Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
