The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
