I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
