After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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