Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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