Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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