OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
