I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
