I'm gonna have a badass scar
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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